Gag me with a house salad.

If I had a nickel for every time I got invited to some cookie-cutter, meat-infested, casual dining craphole (if it's not a word, it is today) and told "you can have a house salad," I would use all of those nickels to buy a Bob Marley autographed guitar to bash the next person to offer me a house salad over the head.

I don't have a problem with house salads, per se, but I do have a problem with the fact that someone would invite me to eat with them while caring so little about my taste buds that they think a bowl of half-wilted iceberg lettuce, a cucumber slice, and three cherry tomatoes was going to be an enjoyable dinner.

I won't stand for it anymore, and you shouldn't either!  It is our duty as vegetarians to inform our friends, family and colleagues that we do have sophisticated palates, too.  Most vegetarians do not graze in a field.  We like variety as much as any carnivore and don't eat salads all day.  If I do have a salad for dinner, it is going to be a dinner salad, and it better have some nice, fancy stuff all over it, like craisins, apples, walnuts, artichokes or something else yummy.  If it's not on a dinner-sized plate, it's not a dinner.

Ok.  I'm done ranting.  Wow!  I could really go for a salad right now. How ironic? :-/

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Unhealthy Vegetarians

I've known some fat, unhealthy vegetarians.  Now, I'm not at my physical peek, but I'm relatively healthy.  There are some goofballs out there that think that you can't be healthy if you don't eat meat.  That's stupid.  But, most people tend to think that it is hard for a vegetarian to be unhealthy.  That's not quite stupid, but it is very wrong.

I used to be like most people in the world.  I used to spend my days dragging my knuckles on the ground, eating slabs of charred dead animals and driving around in my Hummer looking for small animals to run over.  My gut hung way over my belt line (I wasn't even wearing a belt) and I couldn't remember the last time I bathed.  Then, I became a vegetarian.  NOTHING CHANGED.

I wondered, "how can I still be a grotesque, loathsome beast when I don't even eat carcass anymore?"  The answer, of course, is that meat isn't the only thing that keeps a person from discovering their inner supermodel.  I realized that you not only have to stop eating unhealthy foods, but you must begin to eat healthy foods.  Once I figured out that balance was key, I shed hundreds of unwanted pounds, grew thick, beautiful hair only where I wanted it, and began emitting a pleasant scent, at will.

Some of the facts of my metamorphosis may be a little off, as it has been so long and my memory is hazy, but you get the point.  Avoiding empty calories and eating lots of fruits and vegetables is the obvious, and most often ignored, path to good health.  The best way to eat the right balance is to eat a variety of colors every day.  Here is a link to a good article about the colors of fruits and vegetables, and their health benefits (ignore the fleshy meal suggestions):

http://www.ag.ndsu.edu/pubs/yf/foods/fn595w.htm#reasons

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I'm the reason your girlfriend likes tofu.

My posts are probably way too cynical.  You probably all have great friends who respect your dietary decisions and encourage your healthy lifestyle.  I don't.  My friends are jerks.  I get ridiculed at every turn.  When we are out to eat, they make a point of ordering as much meat as possible.  Then, they tell me how good every bite is.

I can deal with that.  It might have been difficult at first, but now I just laugh it off and strike back when I can.  What I can't deal with is when they question my hetero-credentials.  Now, for all of the non-hetero readers out there, don't take any offense.  I'm okay with whatever floats your banana boat.  But, the assumption that all vegetarian men are playing for the other team are far from accurate.  In fact, vegetarianism exemplifies many characteristics that females look for in men, such as:

1. Healthy Living:  Every woman wants a man who cares about his body (because she cares about his body).
2. Self-Discipline:  One of the biggest complaints women make about men is that they lack control and discipline.  You must have discipline if you can stop eating meat. (hahaha)
3. Sensitivity:  Vegetarians are characterized as having a lot of concern for the environment and animal-welfare.  Women tend to love that stuff. Yay!
4. Trendiness:  Vegetarianism is often looked at as a subculture.  Subcultures are a rebellion against the norm, and rebellion is cool.  Women look at vegetarian men as a different kind of bad boy.

So, please, if you are a man and are interested in vegetarianism, don't let your guy friends peer-pressure you not to.  Just give it a shot and take their girlfriends. :)

New Vegetarian Resources

If you don't want to be vegetarian, don't.  I understand that it's not for everyone (you murderer - just kidding).  But, if you have any inclination to try it out, don't cop out and say that it's too hard.  There are so many resources to help you.  There are plenty of websites and plenty of blogs with all of the information you need to make the transition relatively smooth (and unlike this one, they're not all just incoherent ramblings of a fat vegetarian sociopath).

Here are some sites that can help a lot:

Helps you get started:

http://www.peta2.com/p2vsk_flash/index2.html

Things to cook:  

Lazy Vegetarian - http://thelazyvegetarian.blogspot.com/

A little fancier - http://veganyumyum.com/

Vegan - http://hellyeahitsvegan.com/

For various cities:

Miami - http://www.meatlessmiami.com/

New York - http://supervegan.com/restaurants.php

Charleston, SC - http://veganincharleston.blogspot.com/

Los Angeles - http://www.vegparadise.com/restaurants.html

Houston (yeah, Houston) - http://www.b4-u-eat.com/houston/restaurants/cuisine/vegetarian.asp

Everywhere else - http://www.vegguide.org/

I hope that helps.  Comment, subcribe, share. :)

I ate bacon.

Let me tell you a little story. I went to Outback Steakhouse the other day and ate bacon. That's it. I told you it was a little story.

Well, I guess I can elaborate a little bit. It was a business lunch and the person paying with their business card wanted to go to Outback Steakhouse. So, we went to Outback Steakhouse. Anyways, I had heard that they had a nice veggie burger. LIES! They had nothing of the sort. So, I decided to order some vegan kryptonite (a quesadilla). Of course, it was a chicken quesadilla, hold the chicken. I did inform the waitress that I am vegetarian. I find this to be very helpful, just in case something you order has some hidden meat products or are cooked with chicken broth or something.

So, there I was, expecting Brittney to bring me a yummy quesadilla while I talked business. Little did I know, they were cooking up some carcass with my name on it. When I bit into what looked like heaven, I didn't feel anything unusual. Lucky for me, I tasted the bacon way after the fact. The waitress apologized for forgetting that they put bacon in their quesadillas and brought me a new one, meat-free. Now, I'm not militant. I didn't complain to the Manager. I didn't argue or make a mean face. But, I won't be eating at Outback Steakhouse anytime soon. And, I won't be forgetting my own rule. READ THE MENU and LOOK AT YOUR FOOD! Otherwise, you may be in for a surprise.

The Vegetarian Demographic

There are a lot of assumptions that are made about a person when they divulge the the fact that they are vegetarian. I have heard all kinds of misguided stereotypes. Many people think that vegetarians are all on the fringe of society, not like meat-eating "normal" folk. I find that, when I tell people that I don't eat meat, they come to vastly unrelated conclusions about my political stances. Also, every person from every culture tells me that people of THEIR culture or ethnicity can't possibly be vegetarian because THEY eat so much meat (Americans can't go without steak and potatoes, Hispanics can't go without pork, Caribbean people can't go without chicken...and the list goes on).

Some common misconceptions are:

- Vegetarians are all just rebelling
- Vegetarians are all politically liberal
- Vegetarians are all drug users
- Vegetarians are all malcontents

While, of course, some vegetarians are some or all of the above, the same goes for non-vegetarians. In fact, I have vegetarian friends who occupy some of these characteristics. But I also have carnivorous friends that do, too. Now, I'm not naming names, but here are some celebrities that you may know, who represent many different ends of the cultural spectrum AND all of whom are vegetarian or vegan. You can get see the complete list at http://www.happycow.net/famous_vegetarians.html.

Meat is Murder...tasty, tasty murder...so why be a vegetarian?

I hear so many comments about how delicious meat is - how great a nice juicy steak is, and so on.  Now, I admit, I had many delicious racks of barbecue ribs in my time.  I grilled some mean burgers and cooked hotdogs over the campfire.  I dare say I made some of the best Italian meatballs ever (my mom helped a little).  So, why did I stop eating meat?

No.

HOW did I stop eating meat?  I'm asked that on almost a daily basis.  The answer is simple - it makes me feel so much better.  My life after meat has been so much healthier.  My energy level and my general health - my complexion, my memory, my weight, everything benefited.  I normally don't subscribe to listening to or spreading propaganda, but the video I have attached today shows some people who have had many of the same experiences I have had since I stopped eating meat.  It is real.  If you haven't tried it, try it.

Is A Vegetarian Diet A Healthy Diet? from Larry Cook on Vimeo.

Seven vegetarians share how being vegetarian has improved their health. Produced by Larry Cook. Distributed by Tubemogul.

Promoting Vegetarianism

I feel like it's important for me to take a moment and explain why it is important to promote vegetarianism.  Some of the reasons are altruistic, while others are tools to satisfy my own wishes.  Here are my favorites:

1. Vegetarianism is healthy.  I want those around me to be healthy.
2. Vegetarianism is good for the environment.  I want the environment to be healthy.
3. The price of vegetarian products will decrease as they get more popular and competition increases.  I want my bank account to be healthy.
4. More places, including restaurants, will provide vegetarian options when the market becomes lucrative.  That would be awesome!

Anyways, at the risk of sounding like a simpleton, those are my reasons for promoting vegetarianism.  But, I don't hold up a sign or stand on street corners preaching the benefits of a herbivorous diet.  So, what do I do to promote vegetarianism?  I'm glad you asked.  I support businesses that offer vegetarian options, and so should you.  It's nice to go to Tim & Moonglow's Corner Store to buy homemade kava kava suncakes, but the "big guys" deserve some reward for catering to our finicky needs.

If everyone would make a point to stop by Applebee's and have their vegetarian sliders, or by Johnny Rockets and enjoy a Streamliner, or just go to Publix or Winn-Dixie or Albertson's, or whatever your local grocery store is, and patronize their tiny vegetarian food sections, one day they will have many vegetarian options and huge vegetarian food sections.  Can I get an "Amen"?  Or, at least give me a "kumbaya" or whatever hippies say. :)

Vegetarian Breakfast

Well,  I'm up early today and it dawned on me that you barely ever hear of any vegetarian breakfast foods.  That's because vegetarians don't wake up until after noon (kidding).  There really aren't many options.  At home, you can make oatmeal, cereal in soy milk, and a number of soy products.  But, when you're a social animal such as myself, it is hard to eat a vegetarian breakfast on the town.

So, here's what I do.  Starbucks (where I'm going in a few minutes) has a couple of options, including croissants, bagels and muffins.  Oh yeah, there's fruit.  Fruit is light and works for most healthy types.  You can always just eat some pancakes or waffles, hold the sausage.  Speaking of holding the sausage (LOL), there is one fine establishment where I got an amazing vegetarian breakfast.  Our veggie buddies to the north, in Atlanta - I'm from Miami - have a great treasure in Ria's Bluebird.  You can check them out at www.riasbluebird.com. While they do serve meat, they also have treats such as their Southwest Tofu Scramble, Bionic Breakfast, Country Fried Tempeh, and Soysage.  What a spot!  Breakfast might not be the best vegetarian meal of the day, but hey, it helps you survive until lunch. :-p

If you know of any other places where you can get a greasy-delicious vegetarian breakfast, I'd really like to know.  For now, I have to take my proverbial hat off to Ria's for having the best vegetarian breakfast in the universe.

Bionic Breakfast @ Ria's Bluebird, ATL

Why is Pizza so Awesome?

Why is pizza so awesome, you ask?  How dare you!  Pizza is delicious!  I know, I know, I'm eating cow mucous, cows are suffering for my food, my arteries are getting clogged, but pizza is delicious.  I can't resist it.  If you can, I envy you.  At the same time, I feel sorry for you, because you're missing out on pizza.

But, seriously, there are a few great things about pizza for the vegetarian socialite.  First of all, it's yummy.  Second, it's cheap, when you have to "ball on a budget".  Third, most people love it, so it is universally agreeable.  Fourth, it is available EVERYWHERE.  Fifth, no matter how "high-brow" your company is, pizza is a a low-brow food that gets a pass (Donald Trump eats pizza!).  Sixth, it's yummy (did I mention that I like pizza?).

If you're a lucky vegan, you'll find a pizza joint with soy pizza.  But, odds are, if you're not on the west coast or in New York or Miami, you probably won't.  If you do enjoy some cheesy sin from time to time, don't be afraid to suggest pizza as your dining preference for your night on the town.

Surviving Interrogation

When out and about, vegetarians all tend to get the same question, incessantly:

"So, why are you a vegetarian?"

You can reply, "because I'm not an animal-murderer" or "none of your business" ... but neither of those will earn you any vegan brownie points.  Therefore, I suggest a more measured approach - I tell the truth.

Now, there are many shades of the truth, so choose yours carefully.  I became vegetarian for many reasons, in fact all of the reasons (I think).  So, without getting to "deep" into the subject, I politely smile and say "well, all of the popular reasons."  If questioned further, I say that I enjoy the health benefits, like veggies, prefer not to eat animals if I don't have to, and feel like I'm doing good for the environment.

Usually, at this point, I get a "that's cool," and I order another round of vodka-cranberries (did I mention I'm a lightweight?).  On the rare occasion that I am questioned further, such as, "don't you know you need protein" or "don't you miss meat," I simply smile and reply "so far, it's been working for me."  If a person doesn't recognize your passive response as an invitation to stop interrogating at this point, then just punch them in the face (I kid, I kid).  Really, at that point, I just joke it off and say something like "animals don't eat me, so I don't eat them."

Remember, you don't want your diet to lose you valuable contacts or friends, and you don't want your attitude to turn off a potential future-vegetarian.  If you don't convert at least 24 people to vegetarianism in your lifetime, you don't make it into Veggie Heaven. ;-)

Chain Restaurants

I am not a huge fan of chain restaurants (what vegetarian is?). But, vegetarians learn quickly that they are popular among the business crowd and must be tolerated for the purpose of socializing.  While it is difficult to always be the person who picks the meeting place, it is easy and convenient to make suggestions.  Here are some of my favorites, by cuisine.  They are not all "up-scale", but being a socialite does not mean you have to be pretentious (don't judge me).

• Asian: Pei Wei - fast, friendly and delicious food.  You can have anything with tofu and they'll let you know if the sauce is vegetarian.
• Italian: Any place - pastas, pizza, eggplant parmigiana.  It's the food of the gods.  Just try not to be too messy and watch the garlic breath. Macaroni Grill, Olive Garden, and Carrabas are all acceptable chains for entertaining.
• Mexican: Tijuana Flats is awesome - plenty of stuff without meat.  Moe's Southwestern Grill and Chipotle Grill are both good and offer tofu as your filling.  WARNING - at Mexican restaurants, always ask if your rice is cooked in chicken broth and whether or not the beans are cooked with meat.  You will often find that one type of beans is and another is not.
• American: Outback Steakhouse offers a surprisingly good veggie burger.  Believe it or not, Denny's has awesome veggie burgers and I hear reports that some are now using Amy's brand (yay!).  Johnny Rockets offers the Streamliner.  Just make sure you tell them not to cook it in a pile of burger grease.  Ruby Tuesdays has a decent avocado quesadilla, fresh guacamole and chips appetizer, and vegetarian minis (little black bean burgers with barbecue sauce and fries).
• Sandwiches: I hate Subway (you always leave smelling like a, well, Subway), but if you are into that sort of thing, they have a veggie sub (salad in bread).  I prefer the veggie sub at Quiznos - mushrooms, olives, guacamole, peppers, etc.  Jimmy John's has an AMAZING gourmet veggie club, if you eat/like cheese (lots of provolone, my favorite).
• Other:  I have to mention Panera Bread Company.  They have vegetarian soups and salads that are tasty and healthy.  This is a good place for the sophisticated ambiance.

I know that none of these are exactly China Grille, but real movers and shakers need to eat at places that are quick and convenient.  I'll make some classier recommendations another time.  Just be glad I didn't talk about Taco Bell...yet. Feel free to post any of your favorites or critique mine. :)

What's wrong with hippies?

I often tell people that "I am not a hippie".  So, what's wrong with hippies?

Actually, nothing.

I am a big supporter of free will.  But, the fact that so many vegetarians/vegans are "hippies" does a lot of PR damage to vegetarianism.  Most people have a distaste for what they view as a subculture that is strange at best.  For most of us, working in corporate America is a reality.  We shop at Wal-Mart and drive whatever car we were able to afford at the time, and we have lunch meetings and dinners with our friends and family, who are mostly meat-eaters.

I think that it is important to challenge the common perception of vegetarians and present an example to "everyday people" that vegetarianism can be just a simple choice of diet, which does not necessitate a complete lifestyle change, the alienation of family and friends, nor an advanced degree in Yoga.  Vegetarianism is healthy, it is humane, it is good for the planet, and it is a good decision for anyone. 

If you are what people consider a hippie, please don't be offended.  You are probably a good person, but just not good publicity for vegetarianism.